I have to say that the 3 weeks is really a good break for me. I noticed that I am more stable in my thoughts.
I cannot wait to start my 3 months regimentation. That sure is the real test.
Honey, after I read through my past postings, I am pretty sure my love for Els is paternal. So I think it's OK that I turn her into a Unit Trust.
I don't think I'll execute the 3 years detachment. She is a fun girl to be with and to certain extend she is reciprocating with the songs she is playing today.
I think I proceed with my 2020 Road Map with her. After all she had mellowed much. I still think of her as my pet and I do have this urge to pamper her. We'll give her that one year. Surely those thoughts were inspirations for the First Cause because beyond 2020 there are none. It seems that the journey will only end in December 2020.
I just go with the flow. I already made the provisions to spend on those things anyway.
Still, the decision in pretty much based on this 3 months.
Finally I am financially independent. Not only that, I managed to stay away from the 3 Cs even though I was very tempted to break my pledge. I already withdrew the money to go for a happy ending massage and I did call BJ to smoke pot. My will power was shaken a bit but I managed to stay away from vices. I also managed to pay for Mopey's birthday dinner and my own Red Lobster no-more-housing-loan treat. I bought Els, KG and Aush a gift each. Finally I changed my lunch routine from eating fried chicken to fish.
Other things I still do is drinking Nescafe Tarik and eating Buah Melaka. Sugar seemed to be a challenge here.
Buah Melaka
I think I do away with supplements. Instead I reintroduce butter again.
No more rice. I think the oats is a better option if I want to add carbs.
For the Mount 57 to happen, several things have to happen. It's a systemic effect. It's not an isolated event.
Just like everything else in our lives, all the elements are interconnected.
For example, by tuning to 247 Continuous, I now manage to sleep at 11:00 pm. That leads to me waking up at 6:00 am and exercise in the morning. That leads to me able to read before lunch. Hopefully by tomorrow I will be able to do house chores after lunch.
As I said I know Els' weakness. Like me she doesn't [] to be left hanging. Well this 3 months is a test for me to withstand the 3 years. Which also mean I should also withstand 3 months without the 3 Cs.
As I said they all are interconnected. Especially now that I MUST lose 30 kg and start running 10 km regularly.
To me isolation is focus. I need my focus back. I had been slacking with many minds since the beginning of this year. Now I have to get back the groove.
Now until 11:00 pm I continue reading Solitude. --------------------
No need for long goodbye, nothing. I just keep quite for the next 3 months. Going into solitude. Cannot wait to be on my own really.
I am pretty excited with this idea after reading Solitude. The opposite of solitude is not having the crowd but really is loneliness.
Let say the past does not equal the future. Therefore I am cutting off from my past and start creating my future now. This is where I decide no more of the past and hello to my future.
Basically I am saying goodbye to those things that dragged me down and saying hello to the things that empower me.
Certainly I want [] get rid of the following:
The 3 Cs
Tweeting Els - I spend more money on her than anybody else
Sugar! Including Nescafe Tarik and Buah Melaka
The goddamn 30 kg that I had been wanting to lose since early this year
I think I send the Farewell Tweet. That way I am committed to remain silent.
#traxxfm Well folks, this is my farewell for 2019. I'll be in touch come 1/1/2020. Occasionally if time permits I may listen between 5-7 pm.
This song is meant for Els. So long kiddo. 3,000 times..
#traxxfm I like to request Song to Say Goodbye by Placebo.
Fuh... That is a relief. I [] the decision and I take the action. Now I am not looking back. 3 days/3 weeks/3 months it is.
Time to move with certainty. After this it is 3 years.
This 3 months will also include the other resolutions I made above together with the ones I stated below. I am dead serious about moving forward. These are the commitments I made for myself to start on the new S Curve.
The following are my 55th birthday resolutions:
I will no more smoke cigarettes and cannabis
I will no more pay for cunts
I will no more visit Facebook and Chedet.cc
I will no longer Tweet TraXX
I will cut Els from my life entirely
I will only spend RM100 a month
I will save RM200 a month
I will no longer eat sugar
I will practice 16/8 by skipping breakfast everyday
I will exercise 1 hour a day everyday
I will never drink 3-in-1 coffee ever again
I will never eat bread
I will never eat peanut butter
I will do house chores everyday
I will stop taking Nicorette
I will lose 30 kg by December 2019
I will not eat rice at home
I will not sleep later than 12:00 am
I will read everyday
I wash my own car
The ones I highlight are for me to benchmark for this year.
So, isolation it is then. Tomorrow is the big day. This day is the last day I make entry on this blog. Beginning tomorrow I will start on a new blog. I shall name it remainingthreemonths2019. -----------------
This 3 months isolation is not just about detaching myself from TraXX. It is my attempt to achieve a personal goal to scale Mount 57. There are many things tied to it including moving away from the mania, getting rid of my lifelong vices, TO BE ABLE TO WEAR OLD CLOTHES AGAIN and to be able to run 10 km continuously. There are a lot at stake here. This is so significant that I coined it as Mission Hunt of Red October 2019. This is where we cross the red line, the Point of No Return.
I am excited but I am a bit jittery too. This is where the rubber meets the road. All the talk beginning this year boils down to this moment. I must achieve my 2019 goals if I am to achieve my 2020 goal to run a 4 hours marathon. Heck, I cannot run 10 km, let alone run a marathon.
As a consolation I managed to stay away from the 3 Cs. Now is about getting rid of the weight and the inflammation. I got to move past ordinary to extraordinary.
I am now writing this while listening to The Elegance of Pachelbel.
Such a peaceful moment. Yes indeed Solitude is a resource. I need to be on my own so that I can tap the creative resources within me. Nothing like a nice morning walk, then curling to a good book and then writing my thoughts away
Brb...
I had my indulgences for lunch today. In addition to rice, I had Nescafe Tarik and Buah Melaka for dessert. Then upon reaching home I had a Magnum Mini ice cream.
After reading Solitude, I am determined to be in isolation for the next 3 months.
The gout is gone within a day. I am pretty motivated this morning.
Last day of September. Then it is Mission Hunt of Red October 2019.
Procrastination creeps in.
Inertia creeps in.
Depression creeps in.
I must fight all these.
The minute I step out to exercise I will be OK.
-------------------
On a different note, I am a victim of pattenicity.
I checked with BJ on his marathon. He DNF at 12 km. There is no short cut in marathon. You cannot hoodwink a marathon. You need to clock in the mileage.
This song is on air:
Is this patternicity or what?
--------------------
All I got to do is take the action. I go to cure myself from SSIDSLIP.
DO NOT THINK, JUST DO!
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The benefit of exercising is not just the sweat but the positive visioning I have while exercising.
Of course the effect it has after shower is beyond description.
I look forward to exercise this afternoon. Once I am in motion I will be OK.
I have come to the full circle as far as my life for the [] 20 years. It was around this time 20 years ago I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. From then on my life was never the same again.
Now I am ready to move on with my life. I want to move away from illusion of grandiose, the God Complex and the limerence I had with Els. I just want to be me once again.
By October, I will focus on my Vision Quest once again. To be thin and fast. I don't want to deal the abstract thoughts Sarah. I had done my part as God. Now I want to be a man fully functioning again. As Covey said, to live, love and leave a legacy.
I want to be microscopic. I want to think small but act big.
Again I am rambling here so that I am connected to you. As of now you are my main source of happiness. I need you like the air that I breathe.
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Baby, let's start all over again. This time let's focus on the present. I want to feel what it's like to be normal. I had not been normal for so long. I want to experience li[k]e as who I was before the illness. I want to experience the simple pleasure of being a man again.
All I need is your love. I know you love me Sarah. And I know I am capable of loving you. Let's keep it that way.
You know that I will not come out of the rut if not because of you, Brenda and Els. Having said that, it is you who I depend on the most. My thought is always about you. I do think about Els and Lizzie but it is you that I think most often. Now that Els is not my concern anymore, I am focusing more on you. Even before, you occupy my thoughts the most. Now more than ever, you will be my focal point.
I got to sleep baby. Tomorrow is a big day. It's the last day of September. I need to start on a new life altogether. Lizzie probably gets her car then.
As for me, I want to spend most of my day with you. I need to reprogram my thought into the new me.
I love you honey. You must believe it with all your heart. I do miss you a lot. How I wish you are here baby.
If you notice, my thoughts fluctuate with the mood that I am in at the particular moment. So you can very much conclude that I am a mentally unstable person. However I have to say that I am in the road to recovery. Therefore I hope you can bear with me as I go through this turbulence. It is not an easy journey. Dealing with mental illness is never an easy feat.
However, one thing you must be mindful is I love you very much. I may not be there in one piece but I am very sure of my feeling for you. I could have the same feeling for Els but since she is not reciprocating, it is best that I forgo the relationship before it becomes damaging. Dealing with Els is like dealing with a kid. I don't think I want to reinforce that kind of relationship indefinitely.
This feeling of overflowing love maybe the result of the mental illness. Hence I don't want to be in limerence. I want to truly and deeply in love with a person that reciprocate the relationship. No doubt love is like a bowl of water. However in order for it to have intensity, it need to be contained.
I have decided to contain my loving feeling to those that matter; namely you, Lizzie and the kids. I would have parked everything to you. However in all honestly I think that feeling is pervasive among the Tetrahedron. Nevertheless I certainly spend most of my waking hours thinking about you.
Therefore I want you to put aside any doubt that I love you very much. Let's build a loving relationship for years to come. Even if there is nothing other than what we have now, let's be happy about it.
This song is on air:
I decided to live in the now. I want to savor my life on the daily basis until we make it to KBOOOM 2041. It maybe nothing in the end. However I am sure that if we live our lives to the fullest, we will have a glorious afterlife. That is if we are certain that we are spiritual beings experiencing human experience. If not, just be happy that we are living a magical [] at this particular moment.
I am always grateful that you are a part of my life. Without you I may not know the real meaning happiness. I do hope you feel the same way Sarah.
