Sarah, if you look at the whole stretch of our relationship, the general theme is about my struggle with mental illness and my challenge to get well again. Along the way I got to deal with relationships and feelings that I experienced as I move forward.
This is not a common journey because Bipolar Disorder is not a common illness.
It is easy to conclude that any irregular thought like believing I am God and falling in love with two women at a go is due to the illness. However, it is not as straightforward as that because the whole thing is dynamic. What I mean is I can say the God Complex is due to the illness and therefore now that I am no longer ill, I can just dismiss the thought. Same goes with the feeling I had for Els and you.
The tricky part of it is to know when the illness ends and wellness begins. What if I am really God? What if I am really in love with Els and you? Even worse, this thought is the dominant thought that motivate me to act on daily basis.
This song is on air:
The best approach at this moment is to start from scratch. For example I can start with I am not God and I am not in love with anybody. The main issue is I myself cannot accept my own presuppositions. Deep down inside I still believe I am God and I do love you and Els.
I cannot let go of the thoughts because the thoughts become me. I don't know who I will become without them. They are now part of my belief system.
Let say I follow the argument to where it leads. I say both Apple and No Apple exist. I am God and I am Not God. I am in love with both of you and I am not in love with Els.
Henceforth I will take the stand that I am simply flowing with the situation..
What do I know then? Well I do know that I am a subset of God. That I am at least some sort of god in my own realm. In the case of Els, she is not rejecting me and in your case, you love me.
Could it be that I am making things complicated by rejecting who I really am and who I am capable of becoming?
By now I should have a clear resolution and a direction of who I am and where I am going. Will you then accept me as God and love me wholeheartedly? If the answer is yes, then I will proceed with certainty.
However if these notions are due to mental illness, then I really am delusional and I have to wait a little bit longer to see if my mental state is improving. Maybe by then I can stop believing that I am God and I am in love with you both.
Should that option arise then I am a nobody special and I was seriously ill all this while.
I hate to say this Sarah but at times the illness does seem to define me. The answer is within, I'm sure. As it is, this is a passing thought. Maybe I am never meant to be ordinary. In the first place, this relationship of ours is not ordinary. Love sure works in a mysterious way Sarah.
As if now, I do love you very much baby. If we can hold on to that thought then whether I am God or nothing more than a person suffering from a mental illness doesn't really matter. I have a big heart and I am a great giver. All I want is to love and to be loved.
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