Dearest Els,
Thank for being kind to me this past few days.
You made my Vision Quest meaningful again.
As you can see, having to deal with mental illness is not a small feat. I have to walk on a tight rope between fantasy and reality. This is not an easy task especially when what I imagined was real to me.
As you can see in the past, my judgement did get effected. I cannot say those thoughts were unreal. They were real to me at the point of inception. The illness comes in waves. When it happened I wasn't aware I was acting abnormally. I thought everything went on as normal.
That is why I execute every thought that comes, absurd or not because as far as I am concern, they are real.
Such is the nature of mental illness. It's not that we had gone insane, it was our perception that was altered. However if I don't execute the thought, it will fester inside me.
I hope you have the intelligence and the compassion to understand that I am a mentally handicap person when the illness strikes. The bad thing is because it is a chemical reaction, I cannot control the amplitude of the effect on my judgment.
Even now I am not sure if I should be writing this email to you. All I know is whatever thoughts that comes I have to execute. Otherwise it will create an infinite loop inside my head.
It's like I am highly charged with negative ions and thus I need to ground it. In this case this email is the grounder.
I better sleep. I got a big day ahead of me. Honestly Els, from the bottom of my heart I am sorry for making you cry. You are the last person I want to hurt. I love you honey. You gave me meaning to my life after being abandoned by those that I thought were my friends.
You restored my faith in humanity again. You have a heart of gold baby. I can see it right through you. You maybe a tough cookie on the outside but deep inside you are a soft and loving person.
I will cherish you honey. You are my Florence Nightingale and my Angel of Mercy. Without your presence I am hollow.
Well, as I told you, this is the modern day version of Beauty and the Beast. As long as you can see beyond the facade, you have nothing to fear. Honey, I didn't ask to be sick. I'm glad you didn't stigmatize me like the rest of the general population. It's truly a heart breaking experience. I was treated like an outcast.
I am a person capable of loving and giving. I have an overflowing heart. All I need is somebody for me to love and to love me back. It is a sincere feeling. Almost innocent. I just want to be accepted for who I am.
Yes I admit I am unwell. There is nothing I can do about it. It's a lifelong condition. All I ask from you is to see me as a kindred spirit, a soulmate.
I am capable to overcome this condition given a chance to recover. I however need somebody who can be there as a beacon of hope for me to go through a speedy recovery.
Just like the movie Castaway, Tom Hanks managed to stay motivated to set himself free because he had the burning desire to see the love of his life again. Same with me. My daily motivation is to hear you laugh.
I will miss you dearly this next 3 weeks. I will however carry your memory with me. I just want to experience the intensity of being apart from you. To know if I truly in love with you or is it just limerence.
You take care while I'm away.
At the same time I want you to know that I love you very much my darling Els.
Avoir!
SJ
5/9/19
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