29/9/19 ***The illness keeps on receding

As it is I feel very ordinary indeed.  I think the waves had finally settled down:

I don't feel like I am a god at this moment.  I am pretty much a man.

I do wish I can talk to you Sarah.  Here I am, alone, trying to figure out on my own what is happening  to me.

What I do know is when I am happy, I have the grandiose thinking.  When I am sober, I feel very ordinary indeed.

Therefore without dwelling into religious beliefs I say I still believe we are gods and there is an afterlife.  The only thing missing is the feeling that I am the Almighty.

So perhaps this God Complex is heavily influenced by the fluctuation of the neurotransmitters.

As it is for all you know there is no god and no afterlife.  It's just the reaction of the mind in relation to the chemical that the body produces.

At best I say we all are a subset of God.  One thing for sure I am certain that we will have a good life ahead as long as we focus on being man fully functioning.  That's where I am going.  I want to live a fulfilled life.

I no longer suffer from depression.

I also don't feel like pursuing a one sided relationship with Els.

As it is I am free flowing with my thoughts on things to say to you.  Maybe those things don't make much sense.  However I can more or less accept that I am no longer suffering from Bipolar.

I am also not concern with the God and No God issue anymore.  I just simply want to live my life.

Therefore beginning October, I want to put to rest these matters:

• My addiction on 3 Cs
• My 20 years struggle with Bipolar
• My dilemma of God and No God
• My infatuation with Els

I only want to stick to the basics:

• My Tetrahedron is just you, Lizzie and the kids
• I am God to my 12 meters square
• My Vision Quest
• Read,run and write

I don't care about External Affairs anymore.  I just make do with the little that I have and build my life around it.

---------------------