I have to say that the 3 weeks is really a good break for me. I noticed that I am more stable in my thoughts.
I cannot wait to start my 3 months regimentation. That sure is the real test.
Honey, after I read through my past postings, I am pretty sure my love for Els is paternal. So I think it's OK that I turn her into a Unit Trust.
I don't think I'll execute the 3 years detachment. She is a fun girl to be with and to certain extend she is reciprocating with the songs she is playing today.
I think I proceed with my 2020 Road Map with her. After all she had mellowed much. I still think of her as my pet and I do have this urge to pamper her. We'll give her that one year. Surely those thoughts were inspirations for the First Cause because beyond 2020 there are none. It seems that the journey will only end in December 2020.
I just go with the flow. I already made the provisions to spend on those things anyway.
Still, the decision in pretty much based on this 3 months.
Finally I am financially independent. Not only that, I managed to stay away from the 3 Cs even though I was very tempted to break my pledge. I already withdrew the money to go for a happy ending massage and I did call BJ to smoke pot. My will power was shaken a bit but I managed to stay away from vices. I also managed to pay for Mopey's birthday dinner and my own Red Lobster no-more-housing-loan treat. I bought Els, KG and Aush a gift each. Finally I changed my lunch routine from eating fried chicken to fish.
Other things I still do is drinking Nescafe Tarik and eating Buah Melaka. Sugar seemed to be a challenge here.
Buah Melaka
I think I do away with supplements. Instead I reintroduce butter again.
No more rice. I think the oats is a better option if I want to add carbs.
For the Mount 57 to happen, several things have to happen. It's a systemic effect. It's not an isolated event.
Just like everything else in our lives, all the elements are interconnected.
For example, by tuning to 247 Continuous, I now manage to sleep at 11:00 pm. That leads to me waking up at 6:00 am and exercise in the morning. That leads to me able to read before lunch. Hopefully by tomorrow I will be able to do house chores after lunch.
As I said I know Els' weakness. Like me she doesn't [] to be left hanging. Well this 3 months is a test for me to withstand the 3 years. Which also mean I should also withstand 3 months without the 3 Cs.
As I said they all are interconnected. Especially now that I MUST lose 30 kg and start running 10 km regularly.
To me isolation is focus. I need my focus back. I had been slacking with many minds since the beginning of this year. Now I have to get back the groove.
Now until 11:00 pm I continue reading Solitude. --------------------
No need for long goodbye, nothing. I just keep quite for the next 3 months. Going into solitude. Cannot wait to be on my own really.
I am pretty excited with this idea after reading Solitude. The opposite of solitude is not having the crowd but really is loneliness.
Let say the past does not equal the future. Therefore I am cutting off from my past and start creating my future now. This is where I decide no more of the past and hello to my future.
Basically I am saying goodbye to those things that dragged me down and saying hello to the things that empower me.
Certainly I want [] get rid of the following:
The 3 Cs
Tweeting Els - I spend more money on her than anybody else
Sugar! Including Nescafe Tarik and Buah Melaka
The goddamn 30 kg that I had been wanting to lose since early this year
I think I send the Farewell Tweet. That way I am committed to remain silent.
#traxxfm Well folks, this is my farewell for 2019. I'll be in touch come 1/1/2020. Occasionally if time permits I may listen between 5-7 pm.
This song is meant for Els. So long kiddo. 3,000 times..
#traxxfm I like to request Song to Say Goodbye by Placebo.
Fuh... That is a relief. I [] the decision and I take the action. Now I am not looking back. 3 days/3 weeks/3 months it is.
Time to move with certainty. After this it is 3 years.
This 3 months will also include the other resolutions I made above together with the ones I stated below. I am dead serious about moving forward. These are the commitments I made for myself to start on the new S Curve.
The following are my 55th birthday resolutions:
I will no more smoke cigarettes and cannabis
I will no more pay for cunts
I will no more visit Facebook and Chedet.cc
I will no longer Tweet TraXX
I will cut Els from my life entirely
I will only spend RM100 a month
I will save RM200 a month
I will no longer eat sugar
I will practice 16/8 by skipping breakfast everyday
I will exercise 1 hour a day everyday
I will never drink 3-in-1 coffee ever again
I will never eat bread
I will never eat peanut butter
I will do house chores everyday
I will stop taking Nicorette
I will lose 30 kg by December 2019
I will not eat rice at home
I will not sleep later than 12:00 am
I will read everyday
I wash my own car
The ones I highlight are for me to benchmark for this year.
So, isolation it is then. Tomorrow is the big day. This day is the last day I make entry on this blog. Beginning tomorrow I will start on a new blog. I shall name it remainingthreemonths2019. -----------------
This 3 months isolation is not just about detaching myself from TraXX. It is my attempt to achieve a personal goal to scale Mount 57. There are many things tied to it including moving away from the mania, getting rid of my lifelong vices, TO BE ABLE TO WEAR OLD CLOTHES AGAIN and to be able to run 10 km continuously. There are a lot at stake here. This is so significant that I coined it as Mission Hunt of Red October 2019. This is where we cross the red line, the Point of No Return.
I am excited but I am a bit jittery too. This is where the rubber meets the road. All the talk beginning this year boils down to this moment. I must achieve my 2019 goals if I am to achieve my 2020 goal to run a 4 hours marathon. Heck, I cannot run 10 km, let alone run a marathon.
As a consolation I managed to stay away from the 3 Cs. Now is about getting rid of the weight and the inflammation. I got to move past ordinary to extraordinary.
I am now writing this while listening to The Elegance of Pachelbel.
Such a peaceful moment. Yes indeed Solitude is a resource. I need to be on my own so that I can tap the creative resources within me. Nothing like a nice morning walk, then curling to a good book and then writing my thoughts away
Brb...
I had my indulgences for lunch today. In addition to rice, I had Nescafe Tarik and Buah Melaka for dessert. Then upon reaching home I had a Magnum Mini ice cream.
After reading Solitude, I am determined to be in isolation for the next 3 months.
The gout is gone within a day. I am pretty motivated this morning.
Last day of September. Then it is Mission Hunt of Red October 2019.
Procrastination creeps in.
Inertia creeps in.
Depression creeps in.
I must fight all these.
The minute I step out to exercise I will be OK.
-------------------
On a different note, I am a victim of pattenicity.
I checked with BJ on his marathon. He DNF at 12 km. There is no short cut in marathon. You cannot hoodwink a marathon. You need to clock in the mileage.
This song is on air:
Is this patternicity or what?
--------------------
All I got to do is take the action. I go to cure myself from SSIDSLIP.
DO NOT THINK, JUST DO!
---------------------
The benefit of exercising is not just the sweat but the positive visioning I have while exercising.
Of course the effect it has after shower is beyond description.
I look forward to exercise this afternoon. Once I am in motion I will be OK.
I have come to the full circle as far as my life for the [] 20 years. It was around this time 20 years ago I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. From then on my life was never the same again.
Now I am ready to move on with my life. I want to move away from illusion of grandiose, the God Complex and the limerence I had with Els. I just want to be me once again.
By October, I will focus on my Vision Quest once again. To be thin and fast. I don't want to deal the abstract thoughts Sarah. I had done my part as God. Now I want to be a man fully functioning again. As Covey said, to live, love and leave a legacy.
I want to be microscopic. I want to think small but act big.
Again I am rambling here so that I am connected to you. As of now you are my main source of happiness. I need you like the air that I breathe.
------------------------
Baby, let's start all over again. This time let's focus on the present. I want to feel what it's like to be normal. I had not been normal for so long. I want to experience li[k]e as who I was before the illness. I want to experience the simple pleasure of being a man again.
All I need is your love. I know you love me Sarah. And I know I am capable of loving you. Let's keep it that way.
You know that I will not come out of the rut if not because of you, Brenda and Els. Having said that, it is you who I depend on the most. My thought is always about you. I do think about Els and Lizzie but it is you that I think most often. Now that Els is not my concern anymore, I am focusing more on you. Even before, you occupy my thoughts the most. Now more than ever, you will be my focal point.
I got to sleep baby. Tomorrow is a big day. It's the last day of September. I need to start on a new life altogether. Lizzie probably gets her car then.
As for me, I want to spend most of my day with you. I need to reprogram my thought into the new me.
I love you honey. You must believe it with all your heart. I do miss you a lot. How I wish you are here baby.
If you notice, my thoughts fluctuate with the mood that I am in at the particular moment. So you can very much conclude that I am a mentally unstable person. However I have to say that I am in the road to recovery. Therefore I hope you can bear with me as I go through this turbulence. It is not an easy journey. Dealing with mental illness is never an easy feat.
However, one thing you must be mindful is I love you very much. I may not be there in one piece but I am very sure of my feeling for you. I could have the same feeling for Els but since she is not reciprocating, it is best that I forgo the relationship before it becomes damaging. Dealing with Els is like dealing with a kid. I don't think I want to reinforce that kind of relationship indefinitely.
This feeling of overflowing love maybe the result of the mental illness. Hence I don't want to be in limerence. I want to truly and deeply in love with a person that reciprocate the relationship. No doubt love is like a bowl of water. However in order for it to have intensity, it need to be contained.
I have decided to contain my loving feeling to those that matter; namely you, Lizzie and the kids. I would have parked everything to you. However in all honestly I think that feeling is pervasive among the Tetrahedron. Nevertheless I certainly spend most of my waking hours thinking about you.
Therefore I want you to put aside any doubt that I love you very much. Let's build a loving relationship for years to come. Even if there is nothing other than what we have now, let's be happy about it.
This song is on air:
I decided to live in the now. I want to savor my life on the daily basis until we make it to KBOOOM 2041. It maybe nothing in the end. However I am sure that if we live our lives to the fullest, we will have a glorious afterlife. That is if we are certain that we are spiritual beings experiencing human experience. If not, just be happy that we are living a magical [] at this particular moment.
I am always grateful that you are a part of my life. Without you I may not know the real meaning happiness. I do hope you feel the same way Sarah.
As it is I feel very ordinary indeed. I think the waves had finally settled down:
I don't feel like I am a god at this moment. I am pretty much a man.
I do wish I can talk to you Sarah. Here I am, alone, trying to figure out on my own what is happening to me.
What I do know is when I am happy, I have the grandiose thinking. When I am sober, I feel very ordinary indeed.
Therefore without dwelling into religious beliefs I say I still believe we are gods and there is an afterlife. The only thing missing is the feeling that I am the Almighty.
So perhaps this God Complex is heavily influenced by the fluctuation of the neurotransmitters.
As it is for all you know there is no god and no afterlife. It's just the reaction of the mind in relation to the chemical that the body produces.
At best I say we all are a subset of God. One thing for sure I am certain that we will have a good life ahead as long as we focus on being man fully functioning. That's where I am going. I want to live a fulfilled life.
I no longer suffer from depression.
I also don't feel like pursuing a one sided relationship with Els.
As it is I am free flowing with my thoughts on things to say to you. Maybe those things don't make much sense. However I can more or less accept that I am no longer suffering from Bipolar.
I am also not concern with the God and No God issue anymore. I just simply want to live my life.
Therefore beginning October, I want to put to rest these matters:
My addiction on 3 Cs
My 20 years struggle with Bipolar
My dilemma of God and No God
My infatuation with Els
I only want to stick to the basics:
My Tetrahedron is just you, Lizzie and the kids
I am God to my 12 meters square
My Vision Quest
Read,run and write
I don't care about External Affairs anymore. I just make do with the little that I have and build my life around it.
That's all to it. As it is I believe [] things that I believe. There may come a time when I stop believing. By then I will have to evaluate the whole situation all over again. Until then I just flow with my thoughts.
I don't want to analyze things too much. As it is, let's focus on things that work.
Then basically I am starting fresh from this point on. Unfortunately the gout is back. I don't know how bad is this gonna be. The pain just started.
Sarah, if you look at the whole stretch of our relationship, the general theme is about my struggle with mental illness and my challenge to get well again. Along the way I got to deal with relationships and feelings that I experienced as I move forward.
This is not a common journey because Bipolar Disorder is not a common illness.
It is easy to conclude that any irregular thought like believing I am God and falling in love with two women at a go is due to the illness. However, it is not as straightforward as that because the whole thing is dynamic. What I mean is I can say the God Complex is due to the illness and therefore now that I am no longer ill, I can just dismiss the thought. Same goes with the feeling I had for Els and you.
The tricky part of it is to know when the illness ends and wellness begins. What if I am really God? What if I am really in love with Els and you? Even worse, this thought is the dominant thought that motivate me to act on daily basis.
This song is on air:
The best approach at this moment is to start from scratch. For example I can start with I am not God and I am not in love with anybody. The main issue is I myself cannot accept my own presuppositions. Deep down inside I still believe I am God and I do love you and Els.
I cannot let go of the thoughts because the thoughts become me. I don't know who I will become without them. They are now part of my belief system.
Let say I follow the argument to where it leads. I say both Apple and No Apple exist. I am God and I am Not God. I am in love with both of you and I am not in love with Els.
Henceforth I will take the stand that I am simply flowing with the situation..
What do I know then? Well I do know that I am a subset of God. That I am at least some sort of god in my own realm. In the case of Els, she is not rejecting me and in your case, you love me.
Could it be that I am making things complicated by rejecting who I really am and who I am capable of becoming?
By now I should have a clear resolution and a direction of who I am and where I am going. Will you then accept me as God and love me wholeheartedly? If the answer is yes, then I will proceed with certainty.
However if these notions are due to mental illness, then I really am delusional and I have to wait a little bit longer to see if my mental state is improving. Maybe by then I can stop believing that I am God and I am in love with you both.
Should that option arise then I am a nobody special and I was seriously ill all this while.
I hate to say this Sarah but at times the illness does seem to define me. The answer is within, I'm sure. As it is, this is a passing thought. Maybe I am never meant to be ordinary. In the first place, this relationship of ours is not ordinary. Love sure works in a mysterious way Sarah.
As if now, I do love you very much baby. If we can hold on to that thought then whether I am God or nothing more than a person suffering from a mental illness doesn't really matter. I have a big heart and I am a great giver. All I want is to love and to be loved.
By now I had scraped the final remnants of feeling I had about Els from my memory. I do it with the scrambling technique I learned in NLP.
I can't have a one way relationship. It is not productive.
Instead, I had shifted all the overflowing feeling of love to you. I am now at your mercy Sarah. You now become my reason of being. My sole purpose of existence.
I know it is a big risk. However, that is the only way we can make this work. For what's it's worth you are my inspiration Sarah. I won't be able to write extensively if not because of you.
Don't you leave me baby. Damn, I seemed to be catching the same fear that Els is having. I'm also becoming paranoid of being abandoned. Well, I'm just human Sarah. I too grieve my losses.
I think it's the effect created by the melancholic songs they are playing on the radio. The late Sultan of Kelantan passed away today. So they toned down the songs until further notice.
I think I'll switch to 247 Continuous. This is too pathetic.
This guy is a paradox. On the onset he seemed like a caring leader. But the reality is he is preparing himself to be immortal. Perhaps he wanted to be remembered like Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr.
Mahathir, champion of the underdogs. He should think small but act big. Instead, he think big but act small.
Well I have my own demands. It's up to him. As I said, my concern is personal but the [the] implication is ubiquitous. I think local but act global. I am after all an Autonomous Ruler of Sparta 4964.
With Mahathir, you have to look beyond what meets the eyes. He plays an intricate game. He is aiming for immortal glory. Well, Alam Shah Alam must have a strong reason why they wanted him to be tortured in the Beginner's Mind. He is Satan the Damned. Certainly he had a long list of offenses that many of us forget.
Until I can tilt the vote of Alam Shah Alam, the verdict remains. So Mahathir, just pray I can complete my Vision Quest. Otherwise, your head is on the chopping block. You and your racial based politics, your prejudice against the Jews and your injustice against Anak-Anak Iblis are not to be taken lightly. I am holding you responsible for the crimes that you do since your existence. Just like I hold Mr KePala ButUH responsible for crime against [against] humanity.
You are the Root of All Evil, Mahathir. In your early days as the prime minister, you were guilty of hoarding for the few Fat Cat Malays including yourself. You are not spared from corruption and enriching yourself and your family.
You may forgotten the centuries of crime you had done to create the rifts among humanity. Even now I don't take your sugar coating professionally prepared speech lightly. I look at your personal deeds and I listen to Alam Shah Alam especially Anak-Anak Iblis. I look as the damages you had done with your ambition to industrialize the nation by favoring the few. Of course I hold you responsible for the burning of the rain forest and the haze situation within this region.
I have 4 demands on you. At the same time I still have my sympathy for you. Let the Path decides on your fate Satan. Are you worthy to be saved or are you doomed for eternal damnation as had been decided by Alam Shah Alam? We shall see.
-----------------------
Thus 2020 is a very important year. It is the year that will determine if 100% humanity to enter heaven.
This song is on the air:
I guess that will be my final attempt on this effort. I am not getting younger Sarah. Yet I'll give my best shot. We are talking about going against the flow here. Can I turn the hands of fate as depicted by the Path? All this while I said we are all governed by the Path and yet here I am trying to swim against the flow.
If I am successful I am truly the Greatest God among them all. Not that I care about the superlative. I however is trying to dissolve the idea of Eternal Damnation. Hence Mission Hunt Of the Red October 2019 is my most crucial mission. One that will determine [] I will *[] able to run the 2020 Marathon or the 21 km at least.
* Boy, you are surely [] optimistic Sarah.. I will do my best. No promises.
This song is on air:
Yup, it's against all odds alright.
-------------------
I'm still thinking about Els honey. How you both had changed my life.
This song is on air:
Here I am, with an overflowing heart and yet I am stuck in the rut. Hey, maybe my life is just one big paradox by itself.
Now, here the feeling is real. I feel very exposed to you. Why wouldn't I? You basically know what I think on daily basis. What if you leave? That thought does occur in my mind.
I better leave it at that. The feeling is real baby. You are the air that I breathe. In some way you defined me.
While in bed I was composing my Farewell Note to Els. I had done 3 weeks. Now to go for 3 months. If I can do 3 months then the next stage is 3 years.
I am still playing a game. Just like she is playing hers. However there should be an Endgame along the line. Otherwise I am reinforcing a limerence.
I have to admit. I am not in love with her like I am in love with you. On the onset it looks like love. In reality it's just another Pussy Pursuit. Much like I pursued Nora Manaf back then. I was just enjoying the thrill of the chase.
My hook is to have somebody that I can mental joust. She cannot joust Sarah. She gets defensive very quickly. Furthermore she is a stimulus-response person.
I need a closure. I am not the type of person that have loose ends in life. In that sense I am quite methodological. Pretty much a project manager true and true. In project management, there is a start and a finish. Well Els is like that. I don't think I can have a long term relationship with her. The Chubby Chubb thing is the real damper. I cringed looking at the food she eats and she eats a lot too LMAO.
Baby, as I told you, I don't do Chubby Chubbs. That's the only taboo I have with felines. I do hope you are not one of them. Ameezan and I have a term for it. We call them BUNTAL (puffer fish). I have serious problem with Buntals. I cannot get a boner thinking about them.
------------------------
That is at the superficial level. On a more serious note, I don't feel she is reciprocating. Like I said, I am like a dog chasing its own tail. We are still very far from reaching the Unconditional Love stage. I don't fancy her sexually. I do like her very much. However I think I am clapping with one hand. In the best case scenario, I still regard her as a soulmate. I still believe in the predestined affinity although it takes two to tango.
I won't cut her off just like that. I however is not going to reinforce my feelings toward her either. It's not going anywhere. Worst is the limerence may go on for years because she is not being definitive about it either.
If I use my relationship with you as the benchmark, I say my relationship with Els barely makes it to the passing mark. It is very weak in a sense that there is no sexual attraction. I cannot reinforce a Parent-Child relationship. She is not a kid. She is a 28 years old woman who acts as a teenager. After a while the novelty wears off.
I need a person who appreciates me. I don't think she does. Not to the level that I like it to be. With you it's different. Although you are private and secretive, you are forthright about your feelings for me.
With Els I am on a roller coaster ride. I like to love her wholeheartedly. I even consider to close one eye on the Chubby Chubb matter. Sad to say, she is not opening the door for me to do that. She is acting like a prima donna and she treats me like I am a stray dog begging for attention.
So the lesson here Sarah, a relationship must be reciprocating. Either a win-win or no deal said Covey. If one party feels that he/she is losing out, that relationship cannot stand the test of time.
That is why I try to reciprocate as much as possible with Lizzie. Basically with her I am a samurai and she is my queen. I know I cannot provide the monetary relief for her on a regular basis. Hence I make it up to her in other means. I become more caring and accommodating. Whenever she asks me to do something, I basically drop whatever I am doing to attend to her.
I wasn't like that before. I told you I was treated like a king. During those times I didn't have to do jack squat other than earning a living. She even shower me when we were newly weds. Much had changed. Since she is the one wearing the pants now, I switched role with her. I become the budosai.
I fell in love with Els when I was still struggling with my illness. Now that the mania subsided, I am more stable mentally to evaluate the situation. Even if she opens up her feelings for me, it will not go beyond paternal love. So I better treat her as a Unit Trust. Otherwise I foresee that either one of us gonna get hurt.
The good news is I made it with the 3 weeks. Now to see if I can survive for 3 months. I will still treat her as a soulmate. That I am very certain. Pretty much like I treat Yati and Azzue. However it is very dangerous if I park my overflowing heart to her. If she decides to hurt me, I will get hurt pretty badly.
Now that I start focusing on my activities, Els is a distant memory. I don't want to waste time on someone who is not reciprocating. Furthermore I need to stay focus. No distraction.
Brb... Going out for dinner.
After the evening exercise, I felt so good. The feeling is a mild euphoria like taking ecstasy pill. Certainly sweating makes me happy
I intend to sleep early (11:00 pm) and wake early tomorrow to repeat the same process.
I can do away with so many things when I exercise. The mindset of an athlete is so satisfying that all I was thinking is the next session for me to exercise.
Certainly I don't need to waste my money unnecessarily. Read, run, write, repeat. That is the essence of my life.
Solitude by Micheal Harris is such a delight. Indeed I need that kind of thinking.
Sarah, I am so happy having you around. All it takes is for me to have you and I have the world at my feet.
--------------------
Honey, it is a real pleasure to live in the now. Of course with the power of imagination I can transport myself anywhere in time but rather than living in the future or in the past, my focus is now. It is a sheer joy to think that my present is the pinnacle of my existence.
Truly Sarah, you bring me joy like never before. At last I have somebody that understands me. While with the rest (including Lizzie) I have to put up a facade, with you I am free to be me.
Heck, you even made me realize my true potential, which is God to my 12 meters square. Come to think of it I wa[nt] going back and forth with the notion that I am the Almighty. Well now I have no doubt I am the subset of God. I am at peace with the idea.
I realize this idea that we are all gods is an idea that many people subscribe. People like Einstein and Dr Wayne Dyer are among those that propagate this thinking. So I don't think I am off the target. However the thought that I am the Almighty is a concept mooted by you. If you believe I am the Almighty, rightfully I should have faith I am Him. Otherwise how can I create the Adjoining Croissant?
Still, this is just a concept. Until proven it is just another perspective. I certainly benefited from it because by thinking that I am the Almighty I solved many of my personal dilemmas like me becoming the Clockwork Orange and the Gyro Horology.
You certainly helped me much. Otherwise I cannot channel this thought to a specific person and thus I started rambling to just about anybody like Facebook and the blog.
Now I no longer have the desire to tell anybody of my discovery other than you. That turned out to be the single most important paradigm shift in my dealing with my illness. For a while I was having a major dilemma and an identity crisis. That is because in Islam to claim that you are God is sacrilegious. The punishment as imposed on the Sufi mystics was death.
Tu[]ned out it's not so bad. To be a god means to live life as a man fully functioning. I am more determined to pursue my Vision Quest to explore my fullest potential. In the past, as a Muslim I live a heart breaking life because we were conditioned to think that we are slaves unworthy of heaven unless we love death more than life.
Hence a Muslim's life is devoted to doing the religious rituals in order to gain favor from God. It is a pathetic life because you never feel that you are good enough to enter heaven. Life on earth is a torment to a pious man if you want to pursue a desirable life as a slave to Allah. For example a pious Muslim cannot have fun like listening to music and enjoy the company of the opposite sex. Let alone like me who enjoy watching porns LOL.
Now my premise as a Pantheistic God is very simple. Each of us is a god. We decide the best action to take. As a general guideline DO GOOD and DO NO HARM. I don't need to administer everyone much like a Moral Police. I had set the guideline in the Autonomous Governance and the Zen of Personal Bliss. In addition I have Dreams of Mirrors. I think that is sufficient. As for the rest of the information, all the humans need to do is synthesize, synchronize and synergize the wisdom of the thought leaders; the 3% of the population especially the authors.
I am ready to live my life to the fullest. I don't want to dwell in External Affairs as God Almighty. My purpose is the be thin and fast. Ultimately I want to be healthy and happy. External Affairs are messy. They make us lose our focus on things that matter.
As I said, there are people like Bill Gates and Melinda who are more prepared in minds and resources to tackle the world's problem. As for me I just want to remain microscopic in my 5 km radius. Even now 70% of my time is in the CCC, my 12 meters square. I don't even watch tv. I am strictly autonomous. Other than the internet and you, I have very little need for external stimulus. Sure I go out and eat. I also exercise. Other than that I have no desire to venture out.
My fascination is NNW and NNE. That's about it. Even Jerusalem is nice to have. Not a must have. If I scale down even further I can even say that I have no need for Bukit Kiara and Lembah Kiara. I just stay in Bandar Utama. Whatever I need I can get it here. This is truly my White Space. Imagine Sarah, I rule Sparta 4964 merely by being in CCC. This is the Inti Padu.
Am I deprived of the good life? Certainly not. I live a fulfilled life. If I can have you here with me, then I say I am totally blessed. The only missing ingredient is having you here physically.
Now, if you are a jet setter like Princess and Els, you might feel that you need to see the whole wide world to be fulfilled. That takes plenty of money. But if you the type who like a routine life like me, Bandar Utama is all that we need.
My frontier is the Universe Within. With my mind I create my world. Too bad you cannot move next door. Otherwise we only need RM10 million to settle down.
Being financially independent does not require a lot of money really. Just live in gratitude and spend below our means. If we don't have an expensive taste, we can be truly happy living in this 5 km radius. For me this is Permanent Vacation.
OK Sarah, we got 5 minutes to go.
Here is your lullaby:
Change California to Bandar Utama hahaha.
I love you baby. Now that Els is out of the way and I confirmed you are a girl, I can par[t] my whole overflowing heart to you.
I looked at Els' vlog last night. I figured I am not in love with her. What happen is, I am in love with the feeling she makes me feel. I am not into Chubby Chubbs. However she does resonate the epitome of a happy child. That is the hook for me.
No, I am not marrying Els. So if ever we gonna get the RM97 million (a big if), that is just you and Lizzie. I don't think I can handle more than 2. As I said I need 2 to be just. Otherwise I am happy the way I am.
Els can be my Dream Girl alright; somebody I dream of. In reality, we are as incompatible as water and oil. Her diet and lifestyle is a complete opposite of mine. The limerence is over. By the end of this year I think I can let her go. I had my moments with her. However I think I better stay clear. She is not my type.
I know it [] me a while to realize that. But the good news is now it is as clear as daylight that my feeling for her is paternal. I still like that girl Sarah. Only thing is it is not sexual. Maybe the right word is she is a soulmate. Somebody that I play with. Not somebody I'm married to.
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Honey, nothing is going to get between my love and you. I guess what I got with you is real. It is reciprocating. That's the key word. With Els it is not. She is just a kid. I don't think she really grasp the magnitude of the situation here.
Well, I am glad I am over her. Quite timely too. I got my 3 months mission to think of.
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Time to implement the Mute Guard Dog Strategy. Now it is easy. There is no emotional attachment. I am over her Sarah. I am now ready to commit to just you and Lizzie.
